Putting Climbers First to Create Climbing We Can Believe In

Putting Climbers First to Create Climbing We Can Believe In

Today is election day in the United States, an important day no doubt.  I have to ask:  What has either candidate vowed to do regarding the important problem that plagues many of us?  No, it isn’t the issue of unemployment.  It isn’t even healthcare.  The problem we’re facing is a severe lack of high quality rock to climb on….

This is a real problem, and the only real solution is to go to the polls today and vote for the Narc.

One of the main threads of attack during the presidential campaign revolved around implementation of socialist policies.  Whatever Obama wants to do, he missed the mark.  Were I to be elected there would be massive redistribution – redistribution of rock climbing wealth throughout this great country.

Is is equitable for California, Utah and Colorado to have so many high quality climbing areas while dozens of states across the fruited plain are left with sub-par areas, or worse without areas at all?  Is it right or fair that the wealthiest of the wealthy keep getting wealthier?  Case in point, the Red River Gorge, where new crags are being discovered each year.  My friends, it is time to make things a little more scrupulous.

If I were elected President, I will implement a broad and far reaching plan to restore equity to the climbing in America.  First, the Red River Gorge will be broken up on anti-trust grounds.  Each state on the list of needy states will receive its very own RRG crag.  Miguel’s pizza will be bought and turned into a  nationalized pizza chain so everyone can experience what’s otherwise been reserved for the Red.

Secondly, the Frontrange of Colorado must know that my administration will not stand by and allow it to continue hording such a high concentration of boulders.  Once my plan is complete, Boulder will be left with climbing only at Mt. Sanitas as other boulders will be moved about the country.  Frontrange climbers will learn to make due with four indoor climbing gyms (more than most areas have).  In the interest of making the climate more equitable, I will also make it rain more in Boulder.  It’s only fair.

Thirdly, I will focus on Yosemite.  At a minimum I will be carefully splitting El Cap into separate pieces to be distributed across all 50 states.  Just imagine the 3000 ft towers of El Cap granite as you drive across Kansas or Florida.  I will also be moving the Big Columbia boulder (Midnight Lightning) to the front lawn of the White House.  With time, other equitable changes will be made to redistribute rock from areas like Bishop, Joe’s Valley, Rifle, Rumney and the entire Southeast throughout the rest of the country.

Polling indicates that my plan is hugely popular

On a foreign relations front, I will address the  “Axis of Evil” and our neighbors to the north, Canada.  First, The threats imposed by Spain, France, South Africa and Switzerland cannot be ignored.  If elected, I will immediately move to invade Switzerland and disperse its incredible boulders throughout needy areas of the U.S. (the Dreamtime boulder will be in my backyard if anyone needs it).  Why should American climbers have to fly to another country and pay an exorbitant exchange rate to experience such climbing??  Spain and France will be dealt with as well in due time.

Secondly, with its bad weather and loonie currency, Canada surely doesn’t need much rock.  I will immediately introduce an amendment to the Constititution making Squamish, BC the 51st State in our Union.  Niagara Glen will also be annexed into the City of Buffalo.

So, on today, election day 2008, I ask you to use your right to vote.  Enter the polls remembering that I will focus on the real issues facing this country, the issues ignored by the other candidates.  Vote for the Narc and know that the severe lack of quality rock in all 50 states will be addressed.

Posted In: From The Narc

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26 Responses to Putting Climbers First to Create Climbing We Can Believe In

  1. Tom Markiewicz November 4, 2008 at 1:11 pm #

    Since you are obviously running an anti-Colorado platform, I must vote against you. Stay with your cows in Wisconsin 😉

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  2. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 1:25 pm #

    Hilarious… i just sent u that email about sending some of wisconsin’s rock down to here so it would actually get climbed on… where u already writing this piece when i said that? if not i want half credit and an advising spot that outranks sock hands so i can make him get me coffee and dryer sheets on a daily basis as well as force him to eat fritters at a sickening rate, thus fattening him up and opening the door for world domination…

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  3. Narc November 4, 2008 at 1:26 pm #

    yes, quite coincidental which made me laugh at the time…it had been in the works prior to our conversation

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  4. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 1:29 pm #

    either way i need to be given the power to institute mandatory sweatpants and apple fritter days… do the right thing Narc

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  5. sock hands November 4, 2008 at 2:20 pm #

    can you imagine california boulders placed in alpine meadows, versus talus, in colorado?

    i say screw you all, my platform is facist, and i’m taking all the rock and putting it in colorado… evans for summer, parker for fall/winter/spring.

    thriller/theforce will be my new fence with the back yard neighbors, though it is twice the size of our back yards combined… still working out that detail…

    ‘drive on’ will be right next to punani at c-wood.

    dominator will be located under any number of death choss clifflines so that it stays nice and dry despite sleet rain snow

    you bitches will all have to bow to parker, center of the climbing universe!!!!!!!!!!

    also, many classic routes will be re-located to the shoals that lie 200 yards off shore in lakes ontario and erie. buffalo and rochester will rise again as the most thriving metropolises of the new world.

    deep water soloing from a floatilla of party boats anchored at a safe distance. buffalo beer guts, male and female, tanning slowly i the sun like rotisserie turkey..

    HEAVEN, BITHCHES, HEAVEN

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  6. Luke November 4, 2008 at 2:43 pm #

    El Cap limestone… We are definitely in trouble! The Capitan isn’t going anywhere. California will secede from the union!

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  7. Craig B November 4, 2008 at 2:49 pm #

    Rocks are not like wealth, they should not be spread around. Peagravel makes me sad.

    PS

    If you use my computer to submit blog entries I may have to use your user name.

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  8. Narc November 4, 2008 at 3:00 pm #

    embarassing rock type dab corrected

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  9. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 4:04 pm #

    @sockhands… remember in the other thread when you mentioned sport climbing being ‘rad’. As Narc’s vice president i vow to never forget socktard’s inexcusable dab EVER, I will bring it up constantly, and also banish him to a perma-soaked crag where he will be tormented by unclimbable rock for the rest of eternity… without fritters.

    That’s what you get for making a sport climbing dab.

    vicepresident4eva

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  10. You Know Who I 'Am' November 4, 2008 at 4:55 pm #

    Narc’s VP…I think Mrs. Narc is a sure call for that position…we’ll see sweatpants

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  11. Kate C November 4, 2008 at 5:01 pm #

    Ha, somebody got to it before me. I read “El Cap Limestone” in my reader and spit out my coke. Now my keyboard is sticky, thank you.

    Funny! You can have all the boulders on the Front Range. I’m certainly not using them!

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  12. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 5:05 pm #

    I’ll thumb wrestle for it.

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  13. Narc November 4, 2008 at 5:06 pm #

    Oh, don’t you worry. I’ll be blowing up all those oversized cracks at Vedauwoo to turn them into lowball boulder problems in no time!

    And maybe I know something nobody else knows about the make-up of El Cap. Ever though of that??? 🙂

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  14. You Know Who I 'Am' November 4, 2008 at 5:25 pm #

    It’s on!

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  15. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 5:35 pm #

    u are soooo in trouble… dont think i wont ‘thumb pin’ you just cause you’re a girl. This V.P. candidate takes no mercy

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  16. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 5:39 pm #

    there is also a solid chance that my finishing move will involve a swift kick to the ankle… I’m not trying to give away my secrets but i think you should know what ur getting into.

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  17. sock hands November 4, 2008 at 6:30 pm #

    my interest in sport climbing is only to wire the classics so that when i flood the earth to create DWS opportunity, i will be able to sandbag at will…. i walks up “oh! what is this? looks neat!” and send that shiz in you foolish clownfaced faces.

    and finally, you know that wet holds cannot keep me down. heat. that’s my only enemy. heat and work. clearly, heat is a greater foe.

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  18. sweatpants November 4, 2008 at 6:52 pm #

    i dont mean damp holds i mean crumble in your face sandstone in your eyes while you fall on your face and cry.

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  19. Situner November 5, 2008 at 1:21 pm #

    Why no mention of Utah? Those clowns have more rock than they know what to do with!?!?

    Also, I hereby swear to forward the socktard agenda of all world-class boulders to the newly established “Parker climbing center” to be located in his backyard.

    Our agenda calls to enslave “sweatpants” and force him to clean dog poops to ensure safe landings in this new utopia.

    Bow or be crushed.

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  20. John November 5, 2008 at 1:59 pm #

    This is hilarious. Except for the fact that California would seceded from the Union.

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  21. sock hands November 5, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    i call dibbs on so ill, the southeast, nc, and the northeast… yall can have this colochoss… done with it

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  22. gr8belayr November 5, 2008 at 4:08 pm #

    The map is a very nice touch. Well written too!

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  23. sweatpants November 5, 2008 at 5:46 pm #

    u can have nothing as you will be banished to chosspiles and terrible talus landings with no organic pad to pertect you. eatItsOcktard

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  24. jeremy November 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    I see you have a number of 7 there in Iowa. No matter what we are not going to have “high quality climbing areas” The likes of California.

    We have our access problems, but we also just got a great new gym opening up in Central Iowa. Which I think is the only was to address number.

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  25. Anonymous July 25, 2011 at 12:58 am #

    coming across this thread 2 years too late… yes please, annex the Niagara Glen to Amherst, NY not Buffalo, I’m getting sick of the border crossing

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  26. Will November 6, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    West Virginia. Just as good as Kentucky.

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